Why I made this blog

Lesedauer // reading time 4 Min.

Dec, 2024

I like to think I am a pretty open person. I have never had problems talking about anything, as long as I knew who I was speaking to. This is probably the reason why I never really posted anything on social media. I don’t like the fact that anyone in the world can see it and judge me for it. So why did I make a blog that people can now even find on google?

Lange Geschichte. Vor einem halben Jahr bekam ich plötzlich Panikattacken. Die kamen aus dem Nirgendwo, überrollten mich und gingen nicht mehr weg. Ich war immer eine unabhängige Person, allein zu sein machte mir vielleicht sogar schon zu wenig aus, ich wusste, ich kann alles tun, und brauche niemanden dafür. 

Bis zu dem Zeitpunkt. Auf einmal konnte ich nicht mehr alleine sein. Ich konnte kaum einkaufen gehen, musste mich krankschreiben lassen. Es gab Tage, da konnte ich nichts tun, außer auf dem Sofa zu liegen, vielleicht mit dem Fernseher im Hintergrund, aber häufig war mir sogar das zu viel. An diesen Tagen lag ich einfach nur da und existierte, konnte nichts tun oder sehen oder hören. Ich fühlte mich wie Gemüse. Laute Geräusche triggerten mich. Menschenmengen triggerten mich. Irgendetwas tun zu müssen triggerte mich. 

So, I tried to get to the bottom of it. When you’re in a situation like this, you naturally think about every single thing that makes you you. In my case, traveling was one of the first things that came up. People around me identify me by that. As do I - but do I even want to travel still? This day, I started writing in my journal and I couldn’t stop. 15 pages later, I was well aware of a few different reasons that led me to this situation. One of these reasons being the fact that I live two completely different lives.

At home, every week is the same. I get up at 5.30, sleep until 6, then hurry to make it out the door by 6.30, go to work, get home, eat a snack, training, shower, netflix, sleep. On weekends I visit friends and family, have my sister’s dog over, and the cycle repeats. That’s it. I didn’t hate it, but there surely was something missing. I pretty much just waited for the right time to go no a trip again. 

When I travel, I am free of all these things. I am spontaneous, say yes a lot more often, especially to experiences that are way out of my comfort zone. I meet people that are likeminded and open, that come from different countries and cultures and teach me things about the world. I feel so much more like myself when I am away from home, away from all the people that have known me all my life. 

Versteh mich nicht falsch, ich liebe mein Zuhause und meine Freunde und Familie, ich liebe mein Leben hier. Aber ich pass nicht rein, zumindest nicht so, wie auf Reisen. Die meisten meiner Freunde haben mittlerweile Kinder und sind verheiratet, ich hingegen denk nicht mal im Traum daran. 

Das alles war natürlich nichts Neues für mich, ich wusste das schon lang, ich dachte nur noch nie so genau darüber nach. Also als ich es machte, realisierte ich schnell, dass ich eine Verbindung, eine Art Brücke zwischen den zwei Lebensstilen bauen musste. Und so kam mir die Idee eines Blogs. 

I have always enjoyed writing - as long as I was able to write what I wanted to - and I have always wanted to try graphic design. And, with my upcoming long trip to South America, this would also present a chance for my friends and family to stay up to date with what I was experiencing. Win win, right?

Well, I don’t know. All I know is that I really enjoy writing these posts and creating the website. I don’t know where it will lead me, perhaps there will soon come a day when nobody reads any of my posts, and I honestly don’t care. After all, this blog is for me. To sort out my thoughts and document my memories. 

Für mich war es Zeit, ein neues Kapitel zu beginnen und mir selber treu zu werden. Mein altes Leben musste gehen, und mein Neues fängt jetzt an. Indem ich meine Erfahrungen hier teile, hoffe ich, ein Stück der Welt da draußen zu dir zu bringen. Ein Stück des Guten und ein Stück des weniger Guten, ein Stück Realität eben. Lass uns zusammen das Abenteuer des Unbekannten wagen und das Beste aus unseren Leben machen.  

I soon realized that I would, besides travel, also like to talk about mental health. I always thought I understood when people told me about their mental health problems, but now that I felt it myself, I know that I didn’t. I truly hope you never experience anything like that. But if you have, or do, or ever will, I hope that you find a moment of peace, a moment of understanding, a moment of feeling less alone in whatever you are going through, right here on this blog. It doesn’t matter if I ever find out about it. The sole possibility that it might happen gives me momentum and keeps me going. I hope that I can inspire you and give the same things back to you one day. 

While my journey was and often still is difficult, I have learned so much from it. This blog is only one of the good things that came about, that I would have probably never started if I wasn’t having my panic attacks. I know that it will not always be easy, of course not, but I am excited to see where this blog takes me and how my life will continue to shape, as right now, I have a lot of ideas but not a single plan. 

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Have you ever felt a similar way? Have you ever felt like you don't belong, torn between two different lives? Feel free to share your stories in the comments or contact me by email. I do have a few cool campfire stories, but what makes a campfire goodis when everyone shares a little something. Let’s make this blog a safe haven for sharing experiences ♡