Nov, 2024
I’m in a rut. My biggest trip so far is coming up in less than a month, and I have so many doubts and fears and questions and thoughts that I am asking myself if this was the right call, if I really want to go or if I just have this idea in my head about how amazing it would be to do that but actually, I don’t have the balls for it. Perhaps I don’t even want it.
I do that every time before a trip, no matter how short or long it might be. I don’t know why, but I always look forward to traveling until it’s actually getting serious. A few days leading up to a trip, I’m nervous, anxious, and also kind of ugly to myself, asking myself why I even do that, if it weren’t wiser to stay, find a husband, get married, have kids and a house and live a normal f*cking life like society tells me and like my friends do. I mean, if so many people live life that way, it can’t be too bad, right?
Never in my life have I felt like this would be for me. I don’t know if I ever want kids, I’m more than fine without a partner, I don’t want the pressure of having to pay of a huge mortgage for a house and I don’t want to have to stay in any kind of job just for that. So why do these thoughts still always come up?
I’m thinking it must be a coping mechanism. In the end, I was born and raised here in my tiny Austrian village, it does feel like home, my friends and family and all the comfort you would want and need is right here. If I didn’t have any of these thoughts, I would probably just have left and never come back, and that’s also not what I would want.
I was talking to my sister (love you!!) on the phone trying to explain what is going on in my head. More often than not, just randomly ranting to her helps me make sense of my own thoughts and today was no different at all. We weren’t able to blow all of the doubts and fears away, which probably is a good thing, but the biggest ones - well, I at least know where I need to start off to work them out. And whilst we were talking about this, I got an email that I got the first ever comment on one of my posts by a dear friend of mine. I hope both of you know how much you and everything you do to me means to me! Fears and doubts can be so overwhelming, so much easier to believe than joy or hope or excitement. The latter ones easily get covered and washed over. I need to remind myself about why I like traveling so much, and why I know deep down that going on this trip will be the best decision I have ever made. Let me bring you along for the ride.
FREEDOM
There’s something being away from home, away from any chores and away from everyone you know, that gives you a sense of freedom that nothing else can. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family. Still, you get put in this bubble that they call comfort zone, and the longer you stay in it, the smaller it gets. And instead of giving you freedom, it is restricting. I don’t find too much comfort in every day being the same as the one before that and the one after that. I don’t find joy in hanging on by a thread throughout the week just to have a few days to decompress when the weekend is finally here. I find joy and a sense of freedom in getting out of my comfort zone and being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it.
ADVENTURE
This might be the same as the one I wrote about freedom, a big chunk of it is, for sure. So let me take it a step further: There’s nothing that makes me feel more alive than being somewhere I have never seen before. Walking the busy streets of a new city, running around on an empty beach, hiking up mountains, watching the sun rise or set, seeing how other people live, having a conversation with hands and feet due to a language barrier, squeezing into public transport, frantically trying to figure out how to get tickets out of the machine or embarrassing yourself by holding up the queue at the cash desk because you have no idea how much the local bills are worth. Trying out new activities, taking the risk of sitting in the shade beneath palm tree in hopes of not being hit by coconut, playing cards or jenga with a bunch of strangers and sitting in a restaurant having dinner by yourself.
PEOPLE
It seems like on reason leads to the next. The people you meet when traveling are something else. Sometimes you just click, and you feel like you have known each other for a lifetime or two. Like you were meant to meet, and will be like that forever - and then, communication stops. But sometimes, it doesn’t, and then it’s fully worth it. If you read this and ask yourself if you are one of them, I reckon you are. And I am happy to have you in my life ♡ Take Lucie, for example: We have met in Mallorca, both traveling solo, and we clicked. Two months after that, we were still chatting, and one day she asked me if I wanted to join her on a trip to New Zealand. Spoiler alert, hell yes I did! Or Sam: We met in Thailand, and as soon as we started talking, she reminded me of myself. We come from two completely different continents, have lived completely different lives, but somehow, our characters turned out the same. The more we talked, the more we realized that. And it continues on even today.
And then, there’s the less obvious ones. There is the cashier that winked at you, the waiter that complimented your Spanish, the cute guy you met eyes with at a bar but were too afraid to go over to, the old lady that tries to explain something to you but she doesn’t speak your language, the bus driver that wakes you up and reminds you to get off the bus, and the host that is just too kind and helps you out with whatever you may need.
NATURE
When I started traveling, I did what most people do. I went with the crowds and made my way from city to city, and within those from bar to museum and back. On the bus or train rides between cities, I would look out the window and wonder what it’s like being out there. So I made myself go more and more away from cities, and into nature. I started to pack a pair of hiking shoes, and to go on smaller hikes by myself. I started staying in hostels that are a bit farther out and meet likeminded people there, that took me along on their hikes. Now, I prefer being in smaller towns or villages, and being out in nature more than in a city. This world has so much to offer, and there’s not much of it that I personally find in concrete jungles. Some places are easy to get to, others not so much. But never have I ever been out in nature and thought to myself „oh boy, I would so much rather just be in a museum reading about this instead of right here living it“.
LEARNING
Is it a necessary skill to have to metro maps of 3 different cities burnt into your brain? Or to know how to say thank you and hello in 30 different languages? To be able to drive on the left (=wrong) side of the road or to surf or read maps or communicate with only 3 words plus hands and feet or to know which restaurant is good and which is not without stepping a foot indoors? No. But it doesn’t hurt. And it makes a good conversation starter and even better memories.
GROWING
THIS IS IT. You grow as a person by solving problems. And when you travel, especially solo and even more so as a woman, you are faced with problems on a daily basis. Wether it’s figuring out where to go next and where to stay, or how to get there, or how to get away from this creepy stranger, or how to keep up a conversation with someone, or how to seem confident at the security check even though your heart is racing for no reason at all. That’s what makes you grow as a person. And I strongly believe that there is nothing more important in life than finding out who you are, what you are, keep growing, and repeat.
FOOD
How could I not mention that. No, a pad thai in Austria doesn’t come close to the original. Yes, I did like what I thought was pizza before I went to Italy. No, I had no idea how good a mango is if it’s picked fresh from the tree (especially with a side of sticky rice…).
EYE AND MIND OPENING
Let me finish this on a very serious note. The more I travel, the more I realize how f*cking privileged I am, being a white woman born in central Europe. I mean, how big are the odds, that this is where I ended up. I used to take so many things for granted. The more I travel, the more I realize that they are in fact not. Seeing the kind server go round the back and into a shack that’s almost falling apart made me appreciate having an actual roof over my head. Seeing the homeless out on the street in winter did, too. Speaking to girls who can’t wear jeans outside their house because their culture deems it inappropriate while I don’t like to wear jeans because they’re uncomfortable… made me appreciate how open minded Europe is and how free I can be as a woman. Being in a city where you shouldn’t walk around by yourself after dark made me appreciate how safe it is at home. And also: Finding out that the Finnish language uses 16 cases made me appreciate German.
I could go on and on and on about this. For now, my travel spark is reignited. I hope yours is too. Feel free to let me know what makes your soul shine either in the comments or by emailing me.
Thank you for staying with me and reading all the way to the end ♡
